Meeting My Soul

”When darkness branches to your soul, light still finds a way to rise.” Angie Weiland-Crosby

I must admit, until that horrible day I had never thought about my soul. It was the day our eldest daughter, Janelle, unexpectedly moved out of our home and into Heaven.

I would later reflect more on my soul and realize that the things outside our bodies such as our nice home, our material possessions, our past successes and failures, didn’t give us life. Life is given by that inner voice we all have inside us and unless we nourish that little voice we lose ourself to the darkness. That little spark that can be extinguished in the bat of an eye. 

Darkness. Complete blackout. No inner voice. No spark. No light. My darkness left me sitting paralyzed day after day, longing to join my eldest child.

However, the soul is resilient. 

The light in my soul was later sparked again by our youngest daughter, Gabrielle. I don’t remember the conversation starting, but I do remember the words, “what about me, Mom?”.

In that moment my Mama instincts kicked in. My inner voice, though darkened, tired and weary, returned. “Oh dear God, what have I done!” My sweet Gabrielle had lost her sister and was now watching her Mama slowly die too. 

From that day onward and up to present day, I have fought to maintain light in my soul. Losing a child brings so much into perspective. It quickly changes who you are as a whole. I think part of the reason is because we have to bring our soul back to life. I am no longer the person I was before the darkness entered my soul. The new light in my soul has given me a new identity. 

Yes, I am inside the same physical body. But the spark inside me is different. I push for self care. Nourishment of my mind and spirit. My essence. My soul. 

I thought that cold January day in 2012 would have been the death of me. I expected to be right there beside Janelle at any time. Instead, although many, many years later, I am more alive than I have ever been. I feel deeper, I love deeper, I have boundaries for myself and for others (who are very selectively allowed in my life), and if something doesn’t nourish or feed my soul it is removed from my life. 

My child dying wasn’t a good thing. However, my renewed soul is a good thing. The spark that has returned and my new inner voice lives for today and does its utmost to live it to the fullest. 

Meeting my soul was difficult. It changed my life. I chose light instead of darkness. 

Love and Light Always, Lori 💙